Good Deal

So the greatest thing I've noted lately is that the world didn't end. People left, times seemed rough for a few days, and in the end I feel like maybe this change will come out for the better.

I think that keeping in contact with people isn't going to be so hard as I'd originally thought. The internet is a wonderful thing. Phones work, and if nothing else there is always the mail service, which still works for when you really need to get something sent. I feel confident that I can make due until people come back on their brakes. And I look forward to taking some classes again. I've decided to try saving some money and travelling when I get a chance.

I also want to start reading more, and books of my own choosing. I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday and bought Catch-22. It seems to be a good book. I've found it entertaining so far. Perhaps if someone else is interested in reading it we could discuss different aspects of it. I hope I don't scare anyone away because of my intense discussion on past english books. Or maybe I'll just read it and find another book. Discussion might not be necessary, just engrained.

I suppose there isn't much else to say now. Chuch.

Nine Inch Nails: Hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Sing it, Damien.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is (he has)
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is (he has)
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is (he has)
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say you better want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

I don't know that there is someone new...

Perhaps back in the groove...

Today Michelle came over for a visit, which was really nice because I like her and also because I needed to get out of the house, if only for a little bit. We bought nasty gummy things from winco and a copy of the national enquirer, and I realized how much I appreciate her company for the umpteenth time in the last couple weeks. Someone should really consider finding a way to bottle concentrated amounts of that girl and selling them as a cure all to symptoms such as depression, anxiety, sleep depravation, irritable bowel movements, and heartburn. They would make bank. Michelle has the rare ability to take pictures with a beauty and grace nearly matching my own. I also appreciate her sense of humor more so than any other person I know.

However, Michelle has not been the only person to cross my mind lately. The day before I hung out with Jennifer for a bit while she copied some music/video files I had lying around. We went over to Jon's house (yet another person I truly appreciate) and spoke with him and his parents (whom I also like). The entire time I just kept thinking in the background of my mind how great it is that I have had the opportunity to befriend and spend time with these people. The ceiling tile from Ms. Denny's room was a distant second though. I have never met anyone so genuinely concerned about me as Jenn. I couldn't think of a better friend, no joke. Sometimes I feel like you are my personal angel. I'd be a bit wrong though because you extend your hand to anyone and everyone. I've never met anyone who gave so much to their fellow man. And I often feel like Jon is the taller, better looking, more personable, saintlier, more genuine version of me, aka not me at all. I do believe you are one of my oldest high school friends and I am so glad for having known you. From beat boxing to ballacrosse you've been my greatest partner in crime. I couldn't think of anyone better suited for the job.

A Mr. Neil Wong also heads up my friend appreciation list. In the past month I've had the pleasure of his companionship more often then I'd been accustomed to. Though we have some different opinions on a selection of movies I was delighted to talk about music and film favorites with him. I believe it was the occasional disagreeance (is that a word?) that lead me to expand upon my own interests in these fields. He always leaves with me wishing there were more time. I think I'm drawn most to your ability to be so wise and at the same time be willing to commit some of the most hillarious, childish/terrifying acts of anyone I know. Seriously, You killed Pebi Miller? The humanity...

Megan Braze, you also are on the list. I always love talking with you because you're as sarcastic and spiteful at times as I. Our perverted sense of humor almost always coinsides with one anothers'. I can't recall one instance of the two of us hanging out together and not making fun of someone. I believe this should deserve an award, sadly I will never get around to making one. Perhaps you could just tell people that I gave you one and when they ask where it is or if they can see it, you should just tell them it was lost in a great fire. Great fires always sound impressive. Or maybe you could say that it broke one day when I was beating you for not bringing me a beer and some pretzels after I got home from work. I like the sound of that too.

I suppose I should thank you all for pushing/pulling/hitting/cajoling me, and so I shall. Thanks. Happy now, jerks? Maybe I should Think about making a list of people like Jennifer. It would certainly give me a lifelong pass-time. I could use one of those. Gosh, this post makes me happy.

Nothing appropriate comes to mind

So I haven't written anything in quite some time. I believe it has to do with my usual laziness and lack of self actuation. But tonight, at 1:53 AM I feel particularly compelled to get it all out. Perhaps I really only write to get my feelings out in paper, or in this case, a text file. In any case, here's my story...

Tonight something real hit me; my friends, whom I've known for as little as a few months to as long as a decade all have lives of their own. In accordance with this they will also be leaving shortly to carry on with those lives just as I will pursue my own. I believe that this has struck me particularly hard because of the fact that I've made my friends my life. My entire world revolves around this collection of people, and for better or worse they have determined the standard of my life whether directly or indirectly. My friends have always treated me well and with respect and thus, my life has tended to be on the happier side of things. I think that because I had formed an attachment in this fashion I was able to avoid the usual worries about my future, what I wanted to study in college, keeping up good grades, and overall preparing for the long run without the people I currently knew and loved. And suddenly here it is. The end of the road for most of us. The point in every person's life when they are faced with a suddenly much broader view of life. Without the constraint of being forced to live at home under the iron first of one's parents many choose to spread their wings and get the hell out of there. To go to college, to get a job, to raise a family, vacation, take a religious pilgrimage, do whatever you've planned on doing since you were a child.

What did I plan to do again? That's it. The realization that I left myself behind. That nobody else is to blame. Did I have a great time? Yes. I had a wonderful childhood and I would never take it back for anything. But I need to start living by myself. This is the point where I need to stop worrying about someone calling me to go for a stroll through the park and take charge of things. My game plan needs to be drawn out. I need to stop trying to hold onto a past that's quickly fading away.

So there you have it. My mediocre revelation. I think that just typing how I feel has made a world of difference. For any friend who reads this, thank you. You have absolutely no idea how much you've meant to me. In fact, two of you in particular should have notes. I should write those soon.

Dear Megan,
I actually cried today. It was actually the reason I felt the need to post. If you should ever happen to read this I thought you should know. Jerk.
Love,
Chris