Complexity, complexity, complexity

The past wek has lead to some revalations. I add nothing nothing pertaining to the condition of said revelations because I'm not sure what to make of most of them. Some things are starting to make sense. Some are making my head hurt. I'm going to just start addresing issues as I think of them.

Masculine team (not to be confused): You guys (and gals) rock. A better group of friends is hard to come by. I really appreciate the growing bond amongst all of us. Megan, I believe we should think of another position besides team bicycle for you, though.

Girls (this applies to all of you): sometimes I just don't know what to do with you. I never have any clear perception of what's going on in your heads. Good Golly, sometimes I could cry.

Michelle: I'd like to meet up with you sometime. Although, I'd rather not mention why on here.

Kyl: I know you don't read this, but I'm really glad things are getting back on track for you. I hope the best for your future.

MHRA: We're gonna get you, Mel...

Me: You're such a sissy. Buck up and shut up.

Mornings: You suck. Also, I'm not funny when you're around. I think I'm going to speak less in your presence.

society: Get lost. There's no way not to conform to you anymore. There's no way to be original. We're all told to submit to standards which benifit the few instead of the many. I hate you. I want to create a new you. A place which actually represented my views.

Testosterone: Expand your retinue. All it ever is with you is girls and beating the crap out of things. Lose the pent up rage and eye for the ladies for a day or two. You're making me tired.

Head: stop hurting.

Mormons: Women have been scantily clad on wall hangings since the times of old. All it is is the appreciation of the female figure. I do happen to be a fan. Although, I will bend on one issue; Ms. Electra can go, the skank...

Well, I feel only slightly better. This is lame. Even on my own blog I can't post what I'm feeling. Is it so emberassing, so secrative, that my closest friends can't view it? What do I want? How do I fgure tat out? When did this start? Why can't I end it? Why is my only form of relief to sit blankly in front of a white screen? When did it become my goal to be trendy? Why do I feel like the only one who's ever dealt with these problems? Why can't I see the forest for the trees?

I equate life at the moment to driving with only one contact lense. I'm moving forward, but only because it's routine. Should I take a new path, I may hit something. I can see a picture, but the details are fuzzy. There is uncertainty in these waters that I tread.

I admire Megan so much. To give up what makes her unhappy and just start anew. I want to hang out with you. We can go to starbucks. Give me a call when you have some free time. I'll pay. I think your time would make me happiest right now.

My eyes are welling. I've tapped on something. I don't remember the last time I cried. That makes me question my character. There are so many flaws. I couldn't begin to name them all.

This still isn't helping. My thoughts are random, sporadic, lacking concentration. I'm tired, and yet I know I can't sleep. The stress of finals is gone, and now replaced by a new, ominous, feeling. I am surrounded and yet so alone. There are so many good people, all I have to do is reach out a hand. It's too bad I'm terrified to do that.

List of things I so desire:

• courage
• patience
• understanding
• wisdom
• compassion
• time
• a companion
• a new life
• reassociation with my faith
• a shoulder
• a hug

One of these days I'll get though being a teenager. my understanding will become more clear. How impervious I thought I was. How saddening to realize I am only human. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this. It's become more of an outpouring than a blog post. I want you all to have a great day. Good luck on the new trimester, and merry christmas. I know it's early, but at the rate that I post now, it might be new years before I post again.

God Bless